SUGGESTED MEETING FORMAT

We offer this as a suggested format. Every meeting finds what works for their particular group: what literature to read at each meeting, what topics to discuss (i.e., the Twelve Steps, the Tools of Chapter 9, Sick and Recovering Relationships, couples’ problems and solutions), and what format to use (speaker, discussion, meditation, etc.).

The things included in the suggested format will get you started—a blueprint put together from the experiences of those who have gone before. Use it as you will.

Welcome

Welcome to the (insert meeting name) meeting of Chapter 9 – Couples in Recovery Anonymous.
(Chair couple introduces themselves.)
In the spirit of friendship and anonymity, let’s go around the room so that all who care to may introduce themselves by first name only.
Are there any newcomers? Would you like to give us your first names so that we can welcome you?
Who would like to volunteer to welcome the newcomers after the meeting?

Opening Statement

Chapter 9—Couples in Recovery Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope as couples that they may solve their common problems and help bring harmony to relationships in recovery from addiction and substance abuse.

Our group name comes from chapter nine of the A.A. Big Book, which suggests that couples “meet upon the common ground of tolerance, understanding and love.” Ours is a Twelve Step program that partners work together. This is not group therapy, nor is it a place for crosstalk, speaking for your partner, or taking your partner’s inventory. We provide a supportive atmosphere for sharing, listening, and identifying with others who are dealing with relationship problems similar to our own.

Our meetings are led by a chair couple—partners in Twelve Step recovery. Couples, as well as individuals in relationships, are welcome. The only requirements for membership are that the partners are in a committed relationship and that at least one partner is in another Twelve Step fellowship.

Chapter 9—Couples in Recovery Anonymous is an anonymous fellowship. Everything that is said here, in the meeting and member-to-member, must be held in confidence. Only in this way can we feel free to say what is in our hearts and minds.

We are now going to pass around the Twelve Steps and Twelve Tools of Chapter 9. Please read one and pass it on.

(You may choose to include any other Chapter 9 literature at this point.)

The format of this meeting is that we will have a qualifying couple speak for _________ minutes, after which there will be a show of hands for shares. Shares will also be timed at _______ minutes each, with a one-minute warning. Members will be called on either by the qualifying couple or by pitch (the first couple is called on by one of the speakers, then the last person of the couple to share will call on the next person). When one partner is called on to share, the other partner has the opportunity to share or to pass.

Can we have a volunteer to be timekeeper for the meeting?

We will now read the Inventory-Taking Statement.

Inventory Taking Statement

Taking our partner’s inventory is like picking up “the drink” we are trying to put down. To make the meeting a safe place for both members of the couple, we ask you to please keep the focus on yourself, on your experience and your feelings. Please don’t take your partner’s inventory. This means no shaming, no blaming, and no listing your partner’s defects, no matter how well you think you know them and how sure you are that they are the problem. It’s OK to say what happened and how you felt about it, but not to provoke, punish, or judge. Remember, we are not here to fix our partner or to get our partner to change.

Learning to recognize when we are taking our partner’s inventory may be hard at first, especially in times of difficulty when emotions run high. Many of us have found it useful to begin sharing about our experiences by using the phrase “I feel….” Just be sure that when you say “I feel” you are really talking about your feelings. Saying, for example, “I feel my partner was being an idiot” is not only provocative, it’s judgmental and is not about your feelings. Saying “I feel like my partner was angry at me” assumes you know what your partner was feeling and presumes to speak for them. Again, you are not expressing how you feel. On the other hand, saying “I wasn’t comfortable with the way my partner was acting” or “I felt angry” or “I felt scared about how my partner was communicating” keeps the focus on you, expresses your feelings, and does not take your partner’s inventory.

The spirit of not taking our partner’s inventory comes from our reason for being here—to make an effort to recover a loving relationship. We don’t want to use language that is provocative and will push our partner away. If we use our share as a weapon against our partner, it’s like picking up the behavior we’re trying to put down. We want to learn to communicate in a healthy, direct, loving manner.

If inventory-taking occurs, a member of the chair couple may raise a hand. When a hand is raised, it is not to shame or embarrass you, but is a gentle reminder to keep the focus on yourself. Many of us have needed others to help us learn.

Qualification

Now please help me welcome our qualifying couple, _______ and _______, who will share their experience, strength, and hope.
(After the qualification thank the qualifying couple. Ask them if they want to call on couples or make it a pitch.)

Sharing

It is now time to open the meeting for sharing. In order to keep the meeting a safe place for all to share, we ask that you keep the focus on yourself and remember not to take your partner's inventory or to speak for them. If inventory-taking occurs, a member of the chair couple may raise a hand to remind you.

Seventh Tradition Break

At this time, we will have a treasurer’s break. We have no dues or fees but there are expenses. Please give what you can, but if you can’t, please keep coming back. We need you more than we need your money.

Are there any Chapter 9-related announcements?

Sharing will continue until _______________.

(Some meetings reserve the last 10-15 minutes for newcomers to share, for affirming their partners, etc.)

Closing

That’s all the time we have for sharing. Let’s thank our speakers and all those who gave service at this meeting.

Closing Statement

The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the persons who gave them. Take what you need and leave the rest. The things you’ve heard were spoken in confidence and should be kept confidential. Whatever your problems, there are those among us who have had them too. Talk to each other, reason things out, but let there be no gossip or criticism of one another. Instead, let the understanding, peace, and love of Chapter 9 – Couples in Recovery grow in you one day at a time.

We end with the Serenity Prayer, using we instead of I and us instead of me.

Serenity Prayer

God grant us the serenity
to accept the things we cannot change,
courage to change the things we can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.