THE TOOLS OF CHAPTER 9  

1.  ATTENDING MEETINGS
Meetings offer an  opportunity to identify with other couples  grappling with and resolving problems similar  to our own. Meetings encourage communication  and often bring couples closer together. 

2.  SHARING AT MEETINGS
Being honest and  vulnerable in front of our partners can be  frightening but it’s worth it. Many of us  believe that our relationships recover in direct  proportion to our willingness to share. 

3.  SERVICE
We help our relationship by helping  others. Some ways are qualifying at meetings,  greeting newcomers, setting up meetings,  participating in business meetings, service on  a committee, attending Intergroup meetings,  taking office, etc. 

4.  CALLING A MORATORIUM
Destructive interaction  can be stopped by dropping an inflammatory topic for an agreed upon time (15 minutes, an hour, a day) or by detaching from each other for that time. A moratorium is an opportunity to calm down and put the other tools of the program to work.

5.  ACTING “AS IF”
In a dispute, try going on with whatever activities were previously planned, treating each other with courtesy and respect until the warmth of the relationship resurfaces and the issue can be calmly discussed. 

6.  CALLING A MEETING OF TWO
Either partner can  call a meeting of two at any time, anywhere.  A formal meeting structure, with no crosstalk or inventory-taking, guarantees being heard, helps us learn to listen, and can bring us a new understanding of our partner. 

7.  MEETING WITH OTHER COUPLES
Interaction with other couples in the program can show us that our problems are not unique. Such meetings (formally structured or otherwise) can be beneficial in times of conflict and can help us break out of isolation. 

8.  MAKING PHONE CALLS
Ask for telephone numbers of people you identify with at meetings. (Some meetings provide a “We Care”list.) Calling other members helps couples break out of isolation and can bring a new perspective to the relationship. The telephone can be especially helpful during a crisis. 

9.  PRAYER AND MEDITATION
Prayer and meditation  can deepen our trust and faith in our partner, as together we work on spiritual solutions to difficult problems. Practicing this tool, both individually and as a couple, ever reminds us that our relationship is in the care of a Power greater than ourselves. 

10.  SPONSORSHIP
Sharing with a sponsor couple provides a fresh perspective on relationship issues. A sponsor couple can help us learn to use the tools of the program, work the steps, and develop a recovery communications plan. 

11.  WORKING THE STEPS
The Twelve Steps are the foundation of our program and the path to recovery. Using the principles that restore individual lives to sanity can do the same for our relationship. 

12.  THE SLOGANS
Great wisdom compressed into easily workable ideas, the slogans are simple solutions for complicated people. Some that have proven especially helpful are: 

We are allies 
How important is it? 
Let go and let God
Agree to disagree 
Affirm my partner 
Learn to listen 
Keep the focus on myself 
One day at a time 
Live and let live 
Courtesy, communication, commitment 
We can start the day over at any time